The Randve Manifesto
ISSUED BY THE SUPREME RANDVE COUNCIL • EST. 2024
PREAMBLE: We, the proudly unattached citizens of the earth — encompassing men, women, aliens, and dogs — having solemnly resolved to protect our peace, weekends, and disposable income from the tyrannical expectations of society and curious relatives, do hereby adopt this constitution.
The Seven Sacred Demands
DEMAND 01: The Burden of Proof Act
Before anyone suggests we "put ourselves out there," they must first demonstrate — with evidence — that being in a relationship has made them genuinely, measurably happier. Testimonials from their partner do not count. We'll wait.
DEMAND 02: The Unsolicited Advice Tariff
Every piece of dating advice given to a Randve without request shall be taxed. First offense: you listen to our situationship story in full detail. Second offense: you download Hinge and show us your matches. Third offense: you're one of us now.
DEMAND 03: The Rom-Com Correction Bureau
All romantic films must include a post-credits scene showing the couple, three years later, arguing about whose turn it is to do dishes. For balance. For truth. For us.
DEMAND 04: The Dinner-for-One Protection Treaty
Restaurants shall be prohibited from seating single diners next to couples, playing love songs within earshot of solo tables, or asking "just you?" in that tone. You know the tone.
DEMAND 05: The Valentine's Industrial Complex Inquiry
A formal independent investigation shall be launched into who decided February 14th was a good idea, who profits from it, and why the chocolate gets more expensive every year. Someone is guilty. We demand answers.
DEMAND 06: The Selective Memory Clause
Society must officially acknowledge that it spent years telling us "focus on yourself, travel, build your career" — and then turned around and asked why we're not settled. The record will be corrected. The audacity will be archived.
DEMAND 07: The Right to Unbother
Every Randve shall be constitutionally guaranteed the right to attend any wedding, family function, or social gathering — eat well, leave early, and return home to their own bed, their own silence, and their own terms — without fielding a single question about their personal life. This right is non-negotiable. This right is sacred. This right is, frankly, long overdue.
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